FROM THE HART
The Fiver has never had the problem of not knowing where it is going to be “in the future”. Every weekday – save for those blessed bank holidays – is spent chained to The Man’s desk, typewriter firmly fixed on lap, every weekend is spent surrounded by lots of Tin and a subscription to Guardian Soulmates. Tea-timely email WLTM similar. Zero matches thus far.
The point being, The Fiver’s dye is cast. Whether The Fiver has a good day or a bad day, it knows the next one will always be at Fiver Towers. Not so for footballers, who have the luxury of moving on to pastures new, even if that pasture is on a slippery slope where the grass a little less green; a rugged piece of agricultural land with absolutely no hope of playing in Big Cup next season. Joe Hart is in this rather ambiguous bracket. And rather than have his Mr 15% actually do his job, Honesty Joe decided that the best thing to do was to put all his cards on the table which, as Theresa May will tell you, is the worst possible thing to do if you want a good deal.
“I would love to give you a poker-straight answer as to where I’ll be next season but I’ve got nothing at the moment,” Honesty Joe conceded, continuing the card analogy. “I’d love to be ‘withholding information’ about my future, but I don’t have the information to withhold. People are focused on international duty and respecting that players are focused on international duty.” Indeed, in an interesting take on Brandy and Monica’s 1998 smash hit, Hart admitted that his international duty might also be in doubt.
“This shirt’s not mine.” Honesty Joe honestly sang, the sound of 90s R&B leaking out of every pore. “We’ve got high-quality goalkeepers and I will have to be playing at a good, well, at the top level, to the maximum of my ability, even to get in the squad.” Yes, Honesty Joe, that is all well and good, but what exactly is the good level or the top level or the maximum of your ability? Mediocrity at Torino seems to be the standard, but where does clumsiness at Crystal Palace, or mediocrity at Newcastle sit in the pyramid of Hartism?
Taxpayers FC might be the best fit owing to the fact that they might be the only club able to afford his reported £110,000-a-week wages, although as of 4.08pm BST there hasn’t been a peep out of Big Website’s inside man, Gollivan Offspring Jack Sullivan. Still, that’s the basket The Fiver is putting its eggs into, only because the image of a bleary-eyed Honesty Joe being unveiled inside a glass prison on the wrong side of London – with even the South Bank’s most boisterous tourists shuddering in embarrassment as England’s now former No1 is forced to do the obligatory Hammers crossed-arm thing non-stop for a full half-hour; 2017’s David Blaine, if you will – is too good to be confined to the imagination.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“If the neighbouring countries in north-east Asia, including North and South Korea, can host the World Cup together, it would help to create peace in North and South Korea as well as north-east Asia” – well, it would appear that South Korea’s new happy-clappy president Moon Jae-in is a strong contender for The Fiver’s newly-created Most-Optimistic-Bod-Of-All-Time gong.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Fabulous to see England U20s lifting the World Cup, and Chelsea’s Dominic Solanke lifting the player of the tournament award. Let’s hope the Premier League champions can nurture this jewel in England’s crown and – oh” – Guy Campbell.
“Iain Moore says he’s ‘a relative newcomer’ (Friday’s letters), but even so, why would he think the absence of football would have any impact on the content of The Fiver, over the summer or otherwise? Actually, The Fiver could probably survive nuclear war pretty much unchanged, like the cockroaches. And keep sending out the evening email, also pretty much unchanged, because after enough time a new cockroach civilisation would arise with a need for its STOP FOOTBALL campaign. Something to look forward to there” – Dan Silk.
“There is harm in repeating key messages (Friday’s Fiver) – particularly if Fiver Ed interjects with a grammatical brain f@rt” – Jon Still (and 1,056 others).
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Guy Campbell.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Oasis’s Don’t Look Back in Anger will echo around the Stade de France before Tuesday’s friendly with England as the French pay respect to those killed in the London and Manchester attacks.
England Under-20s boss Paul Simpson said he hopes his side’s World Cup triumph can help the senior side actually win something. “I hope it has a positive impact,” he cheered, before taking a swig of water from his half-full glass.
Everton are in talks with both the Málaga striker Sandro Ramírez and Ajax captain Davy Klaassen, who would fill the Ross Barkley-shaped hole in midfield, should Barkley do one.
Norn Iron’s Kyle Lafferty reckons Azerbaijan could be just the place for him to be handsomely remunerated for gadding about a football pitch. “Who knows what could happen if Qarabag come in with an offer for me? I could be back playing my football in Baku,” he cooed after his side’s 1-0 win.
In case you missed it, Andorra won their first match since 2004 on Friday, beating Hungary 1-0 in their World Cup qualifier despite completing only 44 passes. Yes, 44 passes.
Garry Monk is targeting an instant return to the land of loads of lolly with Middlesbrough because, really, what else could he say?
And Emmanuel Adebayor has given us another glimpse into his renowned enthusiasm for the game by describing his motivation for joining Crystal Palace. “I did it just to please my entourage, who were saying to me: ‘Manu, you have to start playing again!’ It was the worst decision of my career,” he yawned.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Alfie Mawson tells Stuart James how to earn 40 quid at a car boot sale and about wearing his England kit around the house.
Joe Hart is defiant, but not guaranteed to be England’s No1, so-says Daniel Taylor.
England missed a trick out wide against Scotland, reckons Michael Cox.
Will Liverpool hand over £40m in cash to sign Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain from Arsenal? That and more tittle-tattle in today’s Rumour Mill.
Kylian Mbappé, the freakishly talented 18-year-old, might be set free against England, warns Amy Lawrence.
What do Johan Cruyff, Alan Shearer and Dave Whelan have in common? Simon Burnton on the trouble with bronze.
David Beckham’s big American dreams are edging nearer, but where’s all the glitz and glamour, asks Richard Luscombe.
And Ben Wilson gets hands-on with the latest Fifa 18 so you don’t have to – not till September anyway.
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